...we decided to stay together as far as Pacific Playland.
I think sleep deprivation is the number one health problem in America.
Well, now I think it might be number two.
- Number two. - That's adorable.
- I think we should find a place to crash. - Oh, I got an idea.
We're in Hollywood, let's sleep in style.
Grab a map.
Come on.
Hurry! Hurry!
Good job.
Looks like anyone who's ever been in a movie lives on this block.
What exactly you think we're doing in the 90210, Sally?
I pictured Tom Cruise living somewhere nicer.
B-lister compared to who I got in mind, folks.
We're going to the tippy-top of the A-list.
- Who? - You'll see.
Hey. There's a big BM.
And it ain't Bob Marley.
This place is incredible.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to la mançion de Murray.
- Bill Murray. - God, no way.
This guy has a direct line to my funny bone.
- Everything... - Wait. Who's Bill Murray?
Hey, I've never hit a kid before.
All right? I mean, that's like asking who Gandhi is.
Who's Gandhi?
She's 12.
- No Twinkies. - Shit, fuck!
See? I told you we should've gone to Russell Crowe's.
- No one listens to me. - Hello, inside voices. Okay?
At least until we know we're alone.
Tallahassee, Wichita, take that way. Little Rock, come here.
Why do I get stuck with her?
It doesn't seem to end.
Hey, come here.
He has his own movie theater?
Okay, I'm gonna teach you something about Bill Murray.
A king slept right here.
Dibs on the bed.
Too soft for me, anyway.
Oh, this is so exciting. You're about to learn who you gonna call.
It's Ghostbusters.
This is pretty catchy.
Come on.
Help me with the boots. Come on.
Help me with the boots.
Okay. I'll get them myself.
Shit.
Bill Murray, you're a zombie?
I'm on fire!
You're not a zombie, you're talking, and...
- You're okay? - The hell I am!
I'm sorry. I didn't know that it was "you" you.
Are you...? What's with the get-up?
Oh, I do it to blend in. You know.
Zombies don't mess with other zombies.
Buddy of mine showed me how to do this.
Cornstarch. You know, some berries, a little licorice for the ladies.
Suits my lifestyle, you know. I like to get out and do stuff.
Just played nine holes on the Riviera. Just walked on. Nobody there.
Goddamn it, Bill fucking Murray!
I had to get that out. I don't mean to gush.
This is so surreal. I mean, you probably get this all the time.
Maybe not lately, but I'm such a huge fan of yours.
I mean, I swear, you know...
...l've seen every one of your movies a million times.
I even love your dramatic roles and just everything.
Six people left in the world, one of them is Bill fucking Murray!
I know that's not your middle name. I been watching you since I was like...
Since I could masturbate. I mean, not that they're connected.
"A former greenskeeper about to become the Masters champion."
Well, that's why we do it.
I love you, Bill. I love you.
I thank you.
Thank you.
You are staring at me. It's a hairpiece.
I'm sorry. No, it was just that you look remarkably like Eddie Van Halen.
I just saw Eddie Van Halen.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Where? How was that? - At the Hollywood Bowl.
He's a zombie.
That's a tough break.
So how about a little West Coast hospitality?
Can I get you something? What would you like?
Smooth, isn't it?
Oh, hurry. Hurry, he's on the ceiling.
- Come get him. Avoid the chandelier. - Light him up, Ray.
- See you on the other side, Pete. - Oh, he's so disgusting.
- Looks like Slimer. - Don't cross the streams!
- I don't wanna cross... - Oh, no, he's awful.
Don't cross the streams!
Thirty-five feet long, weighing approximately 600 pounds.
That's a big Twinkie.
Your sister is single, right?
There's nothing long distance or anything?
- No. - Oh, good, good.
And if she had, like, a type, you know...
...if you can have a type, what would that be, you think?
She kind of goes for, like, bad boys.
- Really? - Yeah.
That's cool.
What?
- So Columbus is the scared one? - Yeah. He's like a little bunny.
I'll get him.
Watch this.
No.
No, no, it's okay, it's okay.
I got him.
Is that how you say hello where you come from?
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, I can't believe I shot Bill Murray.
- Mr. Murray? - I'm just Bill, I think, now.
- Bill? - Yeah?
I don't think we're gonna be able to stitch this.
That's still tender.
You think you might pull through?
No.
If it means anything now, I am so sorry.
It was just instinctive.
It was my bad.
I was never a very good practical joker.
So do you have any regrets?
Garfield, maybe.
I'm sorry, he just gets me.
- But it still is sad. - Yeah.
- Okay. - Oh, shit.
Okay. Okay.
Okay. Shit. Okay.
Sorry. One second. It's a double-barrel. Sorry.
Okay.
Three, two, one.
- You guys want some Purell? - Yes.
- Please. - Yeah.
Around the world.
Yes.
- Oh, free parking. - Yeah.
Which is the best thing about Zombieland.
No, best thing about Z-land, no Facebook status updates.
You know, "Rob Curtis is gearing up for Friday."
- Who cares? - The best thing is no more flushing.
- Epic. - And the worst thing about Z-land?
You mean, other than the fact that I shot Bill Murray?
That's easy. Losing Buck.
That's his puppy.
I'm gonna tell you, I never thought I could love anything like Buck.
He was just... The day he was born, I just lost my mind.
Sorry.
We were two peas.
He had my personality, my laugh, my appetite.
Laugh?
That's when it hit me. I felt ashamed that it had taken me this long...
Me, with the best cardio in the business.
- to realize I wasn't the only one running from something.
Oh, there it is. There you go.
Oh, you like the syrup. Yes.
Okay.
We made this wallet together out of duct tape.
Take away a man's son...
...you've truly given him nothing left to lose.
I haven't cried like that since Titanic.
Hi.
A hint.
Why don't you exhale slowly, squeeze the trigger?
Don't make me drink alone.
Okay.
It's a 1997 Georges?
I never took French. Georges de Latour? I don't know.
- Oh, it's a '97? - Yeah.
- Was that a good year? - Oh, my God.
It was great. Are you kidding me?
I saw my first R-rated movie that year.
- Yeah, Anaconda. - Anaconda.
First tattoo, porpoise.
- Really? - Fake.
First kiss.
Scotty Lynch.
You guys used tongue?
Maybe.
You jealous of Scotty Lynch?
Yes, I am.
Actually, I think I'm jealous of your whole 1997.
Let's see.
Mine, first orthodontist.
The bastard gave me headgear. Yeah. I got my first B.
Oh, no.
Frightening as Anaconda.
In wood shop, which doesn't really count as a class anyway.
No.
Had my first school dance. Oh, thank you.
It was a Sadie Hawkins, so girls' choice, you know.
- What, and nobody picked you? - It was girls' choice.
- Those bitches. - I know.
No, I will not stand for this. No. You know what?
On behalf of all the eighth-grade girls, I would like to make it up to you.
Relax.
Scotty's old news.
I don't even know your name, but this is actually really nice.
You know, between you, me and What About Bob?
...you're actually kind of cute.
You think so?
Yeah.
I mean, you got the guts of a guppy...
...but I could hit that.
Really?
Or at least give you the intentional walk to first.
Hey, a little help moving the couch?
We're making a fort.
- Yeah. - Yeah, that's probably for the best.
- Right. - Because...
...I like you...
...Columbus, but my sister and I...
...are gonna do whatever it takes to survive, so...
I was hoping Wichita was just playing hard to get...
...but I realized she had more trust issues than I...
...when I woke up the next day and she was leaving.
You are like a giant cock-blocking robot...
...like, developed in a secret fucking government lab.
Hey.
I can't believe I almost kissed him. What's our rule?
- Trust no one, just you and me. - Just you and me.
Yeah. You and me.
You have just survived the zombie apocalypse...
...and drove halfway across the country.
Where are you gonna go?
I'm going to Pacific Playland.
Open sesame.
This is the problem with getting attached to someone.
When they leave you, you just feel lost.
Having Tallahassee around didn't comfort me...
...it just made me feel more alone.
Hey. You weren't exactly gonna score, anyway.
You know, you weren't storming the trenches before I came along.
That's why I don't let people close. You only get burned.
You don't say.
Mexico.
You know what they call Twinkies in Mexico?
- That's where I'm headed, amigo. - Whatever.
- Oh, my God. - I know.
- This is really fun. Oh, my God. - Yeah.
Oh, no.
I'm going after Wichita.
Look, you ever read that book She's Just Not That Into You?
You can't make yourself too available.
I don't care, all right? I wanna be with her.
Have fun in Mexico.
Come on. Hurry.
Get in.
Come on, go.
Go, go.
On the count of three. One, two, three.
You okay? Come on. Hurry, get up.
- Come on, let's go. - Yeah.
There.
I'm not great at farewells, so...
...that'll do, pig.
That's the worst goodbye I've ever heard...
...and you stole it from a movie.
Tell the ladies I said hey.
You know, their pictures were in someone's wallet too.
Hop in the car, Evel Knievel.
- Let's go ride the roller coaster. - Thanks.
Go!
Not as fun as I remember.
Shoot the control box.
- Columbus? - Tallahassee?
I think they might actually require our assistance this time.
- Buckle up. - Yeah. I'm way ahead of you.
Time to nut up or shut up.
Holy shit.
My mama always told me someday I'd be good at something.
Who'd have guessed that would be zombie killing?
Probably nobody.
Look.
We better start working on our apology.
Oh, no. No.
- Hey! - Hey!
- Hey! Ohio! - Over here!
- Hey! Help! - Help!
- Oh, my God. - Help!
Hey!
Help!
- Hey, they're up there. They're okay. - What are you waiting for?
That's your gal.
- Over here! - Help!
Come on! Come get a piece of Tallahassee!
Anybody hungry?
Tallahassee's nice this time of year! Come on!
Come on, you ugly bastards!
Holy shit.
Hey!
Motherfucker!
Shit. I'm out of shells.
Bingo.
Yeah!
Oh, yeah.
Here we go.
Oh, shit.
- Wichita! Little Rock! - Hurry!
Oh, my God.
Look at this fucking clown.
Of course. It had to be a clown.
Fuck.
No, it had to be a clown, and it had to be Wichita...
...for me to finally understand...
...that some rules are made to be broken.
Time to nut up or shut up.
Fuck this clown.
- Thanks. - Hey.
Get your gun. Here you go. Hi.
Okay.
Krista.
Okay. We should probably head out now.
Finally got to first base.
Not bad for that scrawny little spit-fuck.
Where's Florida?
I have a little hunch.
Where are you, you spongy, yellow, delicious bastards?
- Where are you? - Yo.
False advertising.
Jesus Christ.
You want a Sno Ball or something?
Oh, God.
Words cannot express.
It's too soon.
Do you think you could maybe just pick out the buckshot and eat around it?
Okay, yeah.
No!
- No! - No!
That face?
That's me realizing that those smart girls in that big black truck...
...and that big guy in that snakeskin jacket...
...they were the closest to something I'd always wanted...
...but never really had.
A family.
I trusted them and they trusted me.
Rule number 32: Enjoy the little things.
Tallahassee got his Twinkie.
And even though life would never be simple or innocent again...
...as he savored that spongy, yellow log of cream...
...we had hope. We had each other.
And without other people, well, you might as well be a zombie.
- Thank you so much. - You had us going.
Yeah.
That was very funny.
So until next time, remember:
Cardio, seat belts, and this has nothing to do with anything...
...but a little sunscreen never hurt anybody.
I'm Columbus, Ohio, from Zombieland, saying good night.